the real life, bonafide MAGIC

Last night my little Alya was unusually quiet... it was a very bad tooth ache. So I rushed her to the nearest dentist, and the very nice dentist (who treated her for free - which is so unusual in Dubai) told us that the last 2 baby molars is becoming loose and somehow it inflamed her gums - hence the pain. He gave her some anesthetic jab and told us to just wait till both teeth came off naturally.

She was happy again when we stepped out from the clinic, and ofcourse knowing her, now she's already the 'best-of-friends' with the dentist, she even suggested we should visit the nice dentist again :)

Anyways.... after midnight, she woke me up, couldn't sleep. The aenesthetic worn off and she was in a great deal of pain again. She lied down in my bed and I know that it's going to be a very long night...

I rubbed some ointment onto her cheek & massaged it lightly.. The pain wouldn't go. She tossed & turned & cried a little bit... I gave her paracetamoll syrup, still the pain is there. I actually told her "mama really don't know what else to do". She just closed her eyes and held my arms. I felt so helpless.

It was almost sunrise when I remembered a trick. It never failed before with Marsya & Dania. Well, Marsya & Dania never had one single tooth ache in their lives... but, if it worked on scratches & bruises, it better damn well work on the tooth ache.

So I told her softly "Mama will blow the pain away ok? After mama blow, the pain will be gone". She nodded.

And I blew some little prayers softly to her cheeks.

Swear to God ~ shortly after that she fell asleep.

It could be the paracetamol that's finally working, or the the constant rubbing on the cheek, or the medicated ointment, or she was just simply tired.

But maybe, just maybe, there's MAGIC in my healing tecnique, a mother's love, and a child's pure faith.

Why, u think u better?

I was often caught in a situation whereby I am in a middle of 2 friends criticizing each other. And I'm telling u it's not fun at all. Usually I would just keep my face shut and be oblivious of whats happening. This act we call it - playing dumb. Or another word - bimbo. Better that way, otherwise the risk of getting asked to pick a side is greater. No smart-people-making-their-points want a bimbo on their side, they rather have all the smart people in their imaginary territory.

I prefer to escape the 'what do u think, Rod' question.U see, the way i see it, who are u really to criticized other people's ways or their lives. Because to them, your ways & your life is not ideal either. So stop with all this energy wasting argument and just accept that people just love the way they living their lives, and ONLY give your oh-so-precious opinions IF u're asked to. Yea yea yea you are criticizing out of your oh-so-good intentions, but c'mon... Who are we kidding here... You just want to feel smart, sah? I'm being too kind.. Let me re-phrase that. You want others to see you as a smart person - yes that's more like it. Hmph.

It's quite easy really. Relax. Just accept each other. If they failed or fell and cried, lend a shoulder. The way I see it, u benefit being a nicer compassionate person, and they benefit lessons from their mistakes. Isn't that better in a way?

I am living a simple life in my own little world and u are exactly doing the same. "Complicated" is when we start looking into others'...

I'd just realized I am criticizing too. P E A C E .

I am back.. hope I stay :)

Wallahi I have been ignoring this blog more than a year. What happened to me?

I am still around. Still the emotional (but very cheeful) wreck. Ha ha. No I am never a wreck. I am the jolly person that you good people will always love. Love y'all too. Big hug.

So what have I been up too for the past one year and 2 months?

Can't tell y'all much really, I've not been my smart self. Had my foolish moments last year, loads of them. And when I am not being my smart self, I will not be inspired to write. Hence, the neglected blog. Sigh.

Anyways, we picked ourselves up and we recovered and we move on yea? And that's the only way to go I guess. No use looking back and regret. It's good to look back and learn though. How cliche. But it's the truth.

Ok enough of the philosophy. So what had happened last year? Hmm it was quite an adventure. How do you good people say it? Roller coaster ride? Yea something like that. I have been single again at a (supposed to be) very mature age. So I was back in the dating scene. I am suppose to be very wise rite? Nope... sorry to disappoint y'all. Eventually I had my heart broken a few times. No big deal (yea rite). We talking about feelings & emotions here so it was somewhat a big deal actually but I kept myself busy & distracted. Cried some but quickly laughed again. And I lost a few friends ... no they didn't die, I just think they are not worth to be friends with anymore - that's very dark and mean of me - I KNOW.... But I made new acquaintances as well.

Somewhere early last year I stalked a girl in facebook and we became close friends now. (Zy, I hope you are reading this). It took her a few weeks to respond to my message. She must've thought I am psycho-stalker or something. We met, and clicked. Then she started to introduce me to her circle of friends and I love every lovely people in the group. And how they love to eat!! So most of the weekends we would meet up for MAKAN TIME. The happiest & most satisfying moments of our lives :)

Uffff I can feel all the jeans shrinking now.

Yea I am in a big denial - yet again.

My Wish

Been a while since my last entry.. well life been hectic for me as I am opening a new chapter in my life ... Now that I am officially single again...

To tell you the truth, it doesn't feel at all different from the previous one year and a half, of course it's just a matter of putting it all written & signed. However I do feel somewhat relieved, I am sure he feels the same way too and I am very happy for him. We really parted as good friends... I will still care for him for the rest of our lives that's for sure.

I will not lie about feeling sad about it... it's flesh & blood inside yea, not stone... The night we had the deed done, I had a horrible nightmare where I was in a very dark place, squatting on the floor and sobbing... and that was all the dream was. I woke up the next morning with a little pain in my chest, the proof that I actually cried in my sleep.

Most of my close ones know that I seldom cry, I find it hard to, I mean it will take a whole lot to make me, so I guessed all the pent-up sadness was unconsciously released while I was sleeping.

At this very transition moments, I thought of one of my favourite song from The Rascal Flatts, it just talked to me as I how wanted to talk to all of you that I love... and that I had left behind.

My Wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow

And each road leads you where you want to go

And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you

And if one door opens to another door closed

I hope you keep on walking till you find the window

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile...

But more than anything...

More than anything...

My wish for you

Is that life becomes all that you want it to

Your dreams stay big

Your worries stay small

You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out getting where you're getting to

I hope you know somebody loves you

And want the same things too

Yeah, this is my wish...

I hope you never look back but you never forget

All the ones who love you in the place you left

I hope you always forgive and you never regret

And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh you find God's grace in every mistake

And you always give more then you take

Oh more than anything...

Yeah and more than anything............


To all whom I love, pray I stay strong.

You know who u are...

So I translated...

A non-Malay friend insisted that I should translate the poem I wrote for my girls quite sometime ago (entry titled "So I replied"). Dunno if it will sound as good in English though...

So here goes..


MY LIFE

My children
The light in my eyes
My heart
My ease of sorrow

My children
My breath
My soul
My heartbeat

My children
Your every thoughts
Your every longings
Your every prayers
Gift of courage for me

BLOODY MURDER

I feel like kicking my colleague's ass today. Or rather his head. He went on and on about women and their manipulative complicated ways. Yes as if I can't say the same about men.

I snapped. I gestured a very bad sign to his face and tell him to (beep)-off. I was not thinking at all and words coming out from me like bullets from machine-gun. I told him (if he think trying to look hot is just one of the evil ways for women to provoke men, then) he should come to the office in his (beep)-ing pajamas. I said if he can say 1000 negative things about women, I can say the same about men.

He snapped also. He raised his voice. He asked me why am I so upset. I anticipated his next sentence would be "is it because you cannot take the truth?" But before he could utter anymore provocations, I retorted with a question "why do you have to bring this up again & again?" I told him to stop it because "NO ONE LIKES IT INCLUDING YOURSELF".

See, he's not the first man who spoke of women regarding MARS VS VENUS matters. But he's doing it in a much provoking way. As if he was asking for someone to argue back. Maybe no one dare to argue before, and he's probably enjoying this. He said he's just sharing his point of views. But yea a little diplomacy wouldn't hurt. He needs to get it into his head that this will be a never ending argument. No one will win - if winning is what he's craving for.

I have to say I would love to talk about the bad things about men during my every pass time. To every detail. As deep as possible. To the very core. But why do I have to do that? The more I talk about men and their lack of perfection the more it would smack me back in the face. I mean we need each other don't we? Why can't we just focus on the positive side of the opposite sex?

There's a Chinese proverb saying "if you are pointing one finger to another, there's three other fingers pointing back at you".

And so vice-versa.

Well the next time he want to do it again he might want to check if I am in audible range, for it was a very ugly situation we had momentarily ago - which even I can't stand it myself. I don't think anyone else could too.

Must remind myself not to snap anymore... hate the "aftertaste" :(

an extension to a Great Read

I was reading for the hundredth time, one of my favorite article in my bff's blog titled "beauty with brain?"... And I smiled & laughed the same way every time. I was enjoying her ways of sharp wit, subtle sarcasm & her ironic "a-matter-of-fact-ly" point of view. Somehow it reflects on me, on both of us, and maybe the majority of us too.

This is to concur her point of view.

However this has got nothing to do with having a brain at all...

A few moons ago I get to know a very pretty, sexy, well educated bright girl in her early twenties. Sadly that is all of her good traits. The rest of her is rude, nasty, mean, lazy, spend-thrift, and most of all SELFISH. With a big dash of DIVA attitude.

But yet... she is larger than life POPULAR. I am telling you most of the guys I know WANT her.

Ok I have to admit I am wrong about the lazy part... She actually worked extremely hard on her 'HOT METER'.. Why, even going to the measly grocery store downstairs she need to be in full make-up... This girl would spend a king's ransom just to look glamorous. Hair, pedicure, manicure, spa, gym, slimming products, lingerie, perfumes, clothes, shoes, cosmetics, jeweleries, accessories... you name it. The way she's spending on clothes - uufff I bet you if she started wearing that first dress in her wardrobe in the beginning of the year, and wear different clothes everyday for the rest of the year, she would only come back to the first dress probably by the beginning of next year!!

My bff definitely hits bull's-eye on the HOT METER fact. It needs to be at BOILING point. The "visual creatures" that we hate to love just need to get a whiff of it and bam! you nailed them.

So.. not only that you don't need a brain, goodness-gracious you can be a BITCH too!!

Good luck on the hunting spree...

Such a RIOT!

Last night I spoke with a darling friend on the phone. And that magical question popped out again. No no not 'will u marry me?'. There's NO WAY he's gonna ask me that!! 1- He's too young for me and hell no I'm not turning into a pedofile. 2 - He's not into girls. (Sighhhh... what a waste to womenkind)

His question was (read it with a shocking-amused-disbelief tone) ' u don't drive?'

Oooooooh sheer pressure... Ok let me just say this once and forever hold my peace.

I AM LOUSY BEHIND THE WHEELS.
(and 'LOUSY' is not even enough to justify it)

Some might say naaaaah you can't be that lousy. Well I do somewhat look very smart in appearence I'm proud to say, BUT, when it comes to handle the driving machine, sadly I am a huge mess.

Hey I did take driving lessons, all the way to the driving test, which I failed miserably. Let me rephrase that, it was TRAUMATICALLY MISERABLY. No no no i didn't kill anyone during the test... Thank God it didn't end up like that, but it was really-really-really stupid you can't believe it.

First test I took was the 'on the road' test. I was assessed by this old guy, one of the JPJ officer. He was nice, chatting away as we started. Which calmed me down a lot actually. So off we went.

I was ok at first, everything's in place, looking pretty, full make-up, nice proper (but still sexy) outfit.... You bet it's important! You see, if by any chance the accessing officers fancied me, they can let me pass the tests much easier. HAH that's what I thought!

We were on the road, and I was about to overtake the car infront of me. Already I saw a lot of 'x's on my test sheet... But still the test is not over so there's still hope to impress him with some show of confidence & skills... So as I was turning the steering wheels, the officer said, "don't forget to look if there's any cars behind u, miss". And guessed what I did? Yes folks... I turned my head, and looked over my shoulder. The calm & composed officer almost screamed! And he quickly grabbed the wheels. Oooohhhh what an IDIOT I was!!! He then stopped chatting... now that he realised being a chatty person might endangered his life & so I drove us back to the driving institution in total silence.

When we reached there, my parking test was already awaiting, so the 'on the road' officer handed the test sheet to me and with one big red cross on the page. Ok fine... 2 more tests to go - parking & uphill.

When my name was called to the parking test, the 'test car' was parked randomly at the parking area. The officer was so kind enough to explain that I should reverse the car first before we begin the test. So.. I got into the car. Side mirror checked, rear mirror checked, seat adjusted, seat belt fastened. I turned the key, clutch checked, brakes checked, put the gear into reverse and press my foot onto the gass. The car didn't move. I pressed more... there's more sound but still the car didn't move. Hmmm don't panic don't panic - I told myself...

The officer was watching with the test sheet in his hand. Vroom-vrooomm the engine roared.. still the car was staying put. Yep this car needs to visit the workshop - I thought. So I waved gracefully to the watchful officer, and yelled (imagine Paris-Nicole scenes) 'there's something wrong, I think this car is broken'.... He walked over, peered his head through window, and extended his hand towards the hand brake and pushed it down.... Uffffffffffffffffffffffff!!!! Just one look from him and I know I will get the big red cross mark again. I just grinned and took it like a real chic... Mann...

I went home that day with a huge TRAUMA embedded in my brain.

I don't think I want to go through that anymore. Leave me alone :D

That candle light kinda love

22nd Feb was my Abah's birthday. If he is still around, he will be 72 this year. And Mak's birthday is coming in 3 days time, on the 25th Feb. They were so close to each other even their birthdays just 3 days apart. Maybe match-made in heaven.

I'd love to reminisce how they were with each other, as how I saw it for the first 25 years of my life...

Abah & Mak was never the affectionate type, well not openly, I saw him once or twice peck her on the cheek when I was very small, and I became so noticeably jealous and remembered they will together laughed about it.

Their love for each other shown in different language. For instance she would warned us not to bug or ask anything from him when he came back from work... the warning was so strongly put that we obeyed it religiously. We will eat our meals first, because usually he would be home after dinner time, but before we ate, she would scoop a portion first and put it neatly aside especially for him. As he reached home, even though she already ate, she would sit in front of him throughout his meal. Entertaining him with small talks, even jokes. Perfect meal every time, how the table was set, food to his taste. Everyday without fail. I don't remember hearing him complaining. He was her KING.

She passed away when I was 25. And he was very sick at the time, his kidney failed 6 months before. The day she left us I cried hysterically. I couldn't stop crying for the whole week. But Abah, he was cool. Didn't shed single tear. In my midst of grief I thought, hmm... he's a cold one.

Some of y'all may not know, that whenever there's death in the house, we Malay people won't be doing any cooking, at least for a few days. Meals will be given to us by our neighbours, or even we get take-outs. I am not sure if this is by religion or tradition, but I followed it anyway. By the 4th day after her demise, I made us lunch. It was some kind of a whole-fish dish.

He was staring at the food... And said...

"the most thing that I would remember of your Mak was the way she served my every meal. You know, this fish, she would always separate the bones and pile it into my plate while I am eating..."

And he burst out crying. We spent the whole lunch time that afternoon crying at the dining table... and oh how I regretted thinking of him as cold before when actually the sadness that you couldn't ever imagine was eating him from inside.

Yes, she was ultimately his PERFECT WIFE.

He followed her about 6 months after. Somehow I knew in my heart he couldn't go on without her. Sadly I was expecting it.

Happy Birthday Mak & Abah, Al-Fatihah and prayers to you both.

i did a nasty...

Last weekend a friend sms me. Well he thought he's my friend. I have already got him DELETED. He said he's on his way to my place with his girlfriend. Like I give a shit. I didn't reply. Ten minutes later he was ringing my doorbell. Can you believe the nerve? It went on ringing for another 10-15 minutes. Followed by a few more sms and a few more -automatically-rejected- phone calls.

I kept quiet. Like a mouse. In my own home.

Now any of you out there who knows me, ever been treated this same way? If you had, please, do identify yourself.

I'm sure most of you who know me well would be shocked that I would do something THIS nasty to another person. Most of you would never expect me to be THIS mean. Yes y'all, it will take a lot for me to act the way I did. A LOT.

I can begin my story from a year ago, but hey I won't drag it back for too long. Let's just recall at a couple months back.

He was whining that he missed home cooked food. I told him -well, since I am moving close to his place why don't he just have dinner at my place any time he wishes ... my maid would not mind cooking a little bit extra... Gladly he said ok, and even eager to come every night! But, he never showed up. He would ask though, if we are preparing dinner or not, but he never ONCE showed up. A good friend as I am always, I considered maybe he's to tired to walk or drive his fancy sports car to my place after a long day at work. So once or twice, I would drop by his place & drop the food. Sometimes I would call him to remind him there's extra food, but he never replied back. If he replied he would sound annoyed. Stupid me never learn. Stupid me always wanted to be nice. Khalas I gave up accommodating the whiny kid.

Then another time he asked me out. For coffee. He said he missed me. We should catch up. He said he would pick me up in 40 minutes. So I showered, got ready, and an hour passed. Ok maybe he got caught up in something so I let another hour passed and I sms him. HE - NEVER - REPLIED. Not even a measly apology. Not even the next day. Khalas I promised myself never-ever-ever again that he would make me wait.

Soon after we were both invited to a mutual friend's house. So what did I do? I said hi with a smile and we hugged and he asked if I was mad at him for some reason. What... he's stupid? Amnesia? Had a blackout? Short-term memory lost? However I thought what the heck, I have known the guy since college!  So I forgave him and told him that it didn't matter, it's in the past. Again stupid me giving him another bizzilionth chance that he doesn't deserve.

Not long after, he said he'd bring me to a fishing night out. Wow I got excited. Forgotten about the shit that he'd always done to me. I got ready.. put on my warm clothes, gloves, winter cap, and waited. He didn't show up, neither call, nor sms. At this point I didn't even bother to sms him.

He can go ahead and drop dead.

But ooooohhhh he called again. Asked me out for coffee. We went eventually, although he was late, I never expected much of him anyway so I choose to look past it. Then after a long chatty evening he eagerly suggested we should attend a Starbucks launching the next day after work. And yea... stupid-never-learnt-me never learnt my lessons. (LESSONSSSSS.. That's PLURAL!!!) And as y'all smart people might have guessed .. he stood me up again, with no calls, no sms, and no f**king apology.

Alas... he asked me if his girlfriend could bunk at my place for the weekend. Sweet.

"Sure... re-confirm ok?" was my last words to him.

So y'all... still think I am a mean bitch?

(I won't ask y'all if y'all think that I am STUPID... we established that already... still kicking myself on the butt-cheek over it... :P)