Monday, February 9, 2009

i did a nasty...

Last weekend a friend sms me. Well he thought he's my friend. I have already got him DELETED. He said he's on his way to my place with his girlfriend. Like I give a shit. I didn't reply. Ten minutes later he was ringing my doorbell. Can you believe the nerve? It went on ringing for another 10-15 minutes. Followed by a few more sms and a few more -automatically-rejected- phone calls.

I kept quiet. Like a mouse. In my own home.

Now any of you out there who knows me, ever been treated this same way? If you had, please, do identify yourself.

I'm sure most of you who know me well would be shocked that I would do something THIS nasty to another person. Most of you would never expect me to be THIS mean. Yes y'all, it will take a lot for me to act the way I did. A LOT.

I can begin my story from a year ago, but hey I won't drag it back for too long. Let's just recall at a couple months back.

He was whining that he missed home cooked food. I told him -well, since I am moving close to his place why don't he just have dinner at my place any time he wishes ... my maid would not mind cooking a little bit extra... Gladly he said ok, and even eager to come every night! But, he never showed up. He would ask though, if we are preparing dinner or not, but he never ONCE showed up. A good friend as I am always, I considered maybe he's to tired to walk or drive his fancy sports car to my place after a long day at work. So once or twice, I would drop by his place & drop the food. Sometimes I would call him to remind him there's extra food, but he never replied back. If he replied he would sound annoyed. Stupid me never learn. Stupid me always wanted to be nice. Khalas I gave up accommodating the whiny kid.

Then another time he asked me out. For coffee. He said he missed me. We should catch up. He said he would pick me up in 40 minutes. So I showered, got ready, and an hour passed. Ok maybe he got caught up in something so I let another hour passed and I sms him. HE - NEVER - REPLIED. Not even a measly apology. Not even the next day. Khalas I promised myself never-ever-ever again that he would make me wait.

Soon after we were both invited to a mutual friend's house. So what did I do? I said hi with a smile and we hugged and he asked if I was mad at him for some reason. What... he's stupid? Amnesia? Had a blackout? Short-term memory lost? However I thought what the heck, I have known the guy since college!  So I forgave him and told him that it didn't matter, it's in the past. Again stupid me giving him another bizzilionth chance that he doesn't deserve.

Not long after, he said he'd bring me to a fishing night out. Wow I got excited. Forgotten about the shit that he'd always done to me. I got ready.. put on my warm clothes, gloves, winter cap, and waited. He didn't show up, neither call, nor sms. At this point I didn't even bother to sms him.

He can go ahead and drop dead.

But ooooohhhh he called again. Asked me out for coffee. We went eventually, although he was late, I never expected much of him anyway so I choose to look past it. Then after a long chatty evening he eagerly suggested we should attend a Starbucks launching the next day after work. And yea... stupid-never-learnt-me never learnt my lessons. (LESSONSSSSS.. That's PLURAL!!!) And as y'all smart people might have guessed .. he stood me up again, with no calls, no sms, and no f**king apology.

Alas... he asked me if his girlfriend could bunk at my place for the weekend. Sweet.

"Sure... re-confirm ok?" was my last words to him.

So y'all... still think I am a mean bitch?

(I won't ask y'all if y'all think that I am STUPID... we established that already... still kicking myself on the butt-cheek over it... :P)

that thing called 'friends'

My mother scolded me once a many times that I was 'too giving' towards my friends. 'With your friends, as if you are going to lick them' were her words, clearly she's annoyed. I hated it so much. As I saw it at the time, why not be kind? Why not be nice ? What's wrong if I so wanted to please them? What's wrong being a truly good friend? Clearly she meant to say DON'T. That was when I was below 10 yrs of age. I will be 39 next month, I guess at this age I should be wise enough, and lately these words coming back to me so clearly... Suddenly they're starting to make a lot of senses... She just didn't want me to get hurt.

I was not that stupid to understand it, but I merely chose to ignore it all this while. Now after times & times & times again getting stabbed & kicked & punched from all sides till I was left bleeding, bruised, black and blue, now I chose to open my eyes to see it. Only NOW.

I know to those who I called friends, I am a true friend to them. Well they kept me a long time. Maz & I, we've been friends for 35 years. Noe & I, we been enjoying each other's company more than 20 years. Noli, Fad, Liza & I are in love for 20 years now. Daniel, well he's 'young' but already in my life for 8 wonderful & learning years... 8 years could be a lifetime for some people, but to me, it's a still very fresh & budding friendship.

You might ask.. only these people?

Yes, the ones I truly claimed true friends of mine. Yes we hurt each other once in a while, but we treasured each other so much that we kissed & patched the wound quickly. Sealed the dark moments and take the good to cover the bad. Tears shared. Ofcourse laughters more. I am in their hearts as they are in mine. And I thought my mother's statements were not exactly true.

Now that I moved my life to another country, I never felt lonelier. It's not that I can't make new acquaintances, this actually comes easy to me. Too easy sometimes. People usually get attached to me very quickly. In an instant even. But to achieve the deep meaning of friendship, so far it's looking rather bleak. Some read my kindness as annoyance. Some used it to their advantages. Some think I am too kind that - am I for real?? (I am not too kind, honestly I am just being a HUMAN). Some even think I was plotting an evil agenda. I met a lot of whom I naively thought really nice people, being my true self around them, but I ended up bruised again. Yes, my mother was right allllllll the time.

Maybe people nowadays are not how they are used to be... maybe everybody now is only for themselves. I am at the point where I became so concious about talking to people, smile, even to make eye contacts. I should stay away. I should be allert of those invisible electric fences that people built around them. Unconciously I am myself building a wall and the wall is getting thicker.

I really dislike the person that I am becoming.

Whoa boy I really need a "friend fix". But where to get it?