Wednesday, September 10, 2008


I found it. Finally i got something to write today.

This is about my struggle to find my SELF ESTEEM.

I must tell uols being brought up as a Malay, i was somewhat a very shy girl. (I still am a very shy girl - naaahh). I guessed we Malays always have these qualities in us. Polite, humble, reserved, introvert and shy, in all sorts of different ratios. Well not all Malays, but yea the typical Malays. At least the ones born during my time.

So being a shy girl, i always held myself back from doing whatever i really wanted to do. Inside i am a very outspoken, loud and a hyper girl. I was quite miserable actually i must say, for if in some occassions i leapt or squelled, somebody would just shhhhh me.

Then it became more complicated for me as i became a teenager. Everything was becoming more awkward. And i was sent to a boarding school. And let me tell uols the strict rules there made it worse for me. I want to jump and scream and sing and be silly... but noooo that's not the proper way.... There were always be teachers or wardens or seniors who would glare. Even my dormates & classmates! And i tell uols the boys..... they were mean!!! They would picked on what you were wearing, would always made you feel that you were not decent enough... ughhhh!!! And secretly i had established that school years was the worst episode of my life.

There's another thing about me as an awkward teenager.

My teeth.

They were UGLY! I mean they were all over the place!!! I have an extra tooth in the middle, and k-9s stickin out everywhere, all were crooked and not alligned.... oooh how i felt so un-attractive!! Imagine i was laughing & smiling with a hand upon my mouth all the time!

And so one time i made the silliest move. I told a friend i had a crush on one of the boys. And this friend (nooooot anymore) told another friend, who told another friend, and soon it reached THE BOY. The lively me was excited actually and my heart gave a little leap, but the (had to be) shy & (had to be) reserved me was sooooo embarassed!!!!!!!! Conflicts huh?

That was not enough.

THE BOY who i hoped to love and be loved by was pissed instead. He was annoyed that the girl who were having a crush on him was little me with the ugly teeth. Not that he ever said it directly, but there's one time he dedicated an Eid card to the girls in my class (there were only 9 of us) and left a comment about each of us, and ofcourse ( i still remember his exact words) he said something offensive about my smile. He said i smile like a stinky cockle... (".....tersengih macam kerang busuk..... Told uols the boys were MEAN). I know it wasn't actually offending the ugly teeth, BUT, i was a confused awkward teenager at the time and very very very sensitive about comments concerning 'smile'... 'teeth'... 'mouth'........... Quickly i went back hiding into my little nook. And sadly i walked to the class everyday with my head held down.

...Must be the teeth! What else could it be?.... I always feel that i am a very plain girl, but with those bad teeth, hey i was actually an ugly girl!! Sad huh? Yea i was sad for 5 miserable years.

Soon i left school, went to college, met my first love there (he'll be on the next blog... ok watch out...), who convinced me that i am the prettiest girl in college, however i was secretly convinced that it was actually the boobs factor... and soon the ugly teeth was not an issue anymore. After 3 years together we broke up, i was crushed, sad and angry. Again the teeth was there to be blamed. Silly me never thought that i am pretty enough for handsome him (and he got really really pretty teeth!!!!! Beautiful smile.... Nice lips... Errrr... eheh.. let's not go there..) Even one of his sisters was makin fun of the teeth once. (What a bitch)... After i graduated from college i quickly secured a job, made a point to gather some money especially to get my pearly whites braced & fixed. The braces was a tough and challenging 18 months period.

But my oh my how my life changed after that. I laughed more, i smiled all the time, i naturally felt i stood out in a crowd, i became heart of the party, i dared to ask guys out on dates, i walked with my chin up, and i was finally enjoying my feminine sexuality!!! I became my very true sanguine self!!! And even though in my society people still 'glaring', i didn't see them anymore. They ceased to exist. My confidence level was soaring high! I feel i can talk to just anyone & can do almost anything! (Yea yea yea there's the boobs factor too...)

I finally found my SELF ESTEEM. By fixing my ugly teeth.

A lot of my close friends felt the same way as uols do...

They don't get it....!

Monday, September 8, 2008

A Special Birthday Wish..

A guy who is very near & dear to me celebrated his (ahem)th birthday today.

He just moved to Bahrain, trying to look for himself, like i do... and ofcourse he got plenty of time to do that than some of older us... So i would like to wish him luck, health, and most of all HAPPINNESS.

Coz i bet my gorgeous a** that's exactly what all of us are looking for.


Sunday, September 7, 2008

Me @ Motherhood (Sigh...)

Last night the whole occupants of apartment 402 came into huge panic...

They came running down from the roof top pool only minutes after they left. I thought wow that was quick, but the pale face of my maid alerted me that something was wrong. "...Alya was jumping in the pool and knocked her chin on the pool's edge..." she said. I asked her how serious it was... She said it was bleeding and she dare not look at the wound. Ok, so I know I have got to have to check this one out. I went to her bedroom, she was crying and clutching her chin. Marsya & Dania stood frozen at their 'spots', also pale-faced. I was already panicking but being the 'man' of the house... Couldn't let them know that  I was almost having a black-out, could I?

I knelt down and took her hand away from her chin... My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach... There's an open wound looking like a little mouth at the underside of her chin. And my instant facial reaction set Marsya & Dania to tears.

My hands & feet starting to feel cold. But somehow I calmed down, so that I was able to use my brain. So firstly i called Othman, who was out for tarawikh. Next i called Buck, i need to know where's the nearest clinic... Not much help there, and I remembered Ugur. He gave me a precise direction on how to get there. Most of all of you had already known what a scatterbrained creature I am, but having to play the survivor game in Dubai, I learnt to remember directions and memorize a lot of stuff that I took a lot for granted before.

So we went to the clinic. I guessed panic was written all over my face that the doctor tried to calm me down a little bit. Numerously he repeated 'there's nothing to worry about'. At this point in time Alya already stopped crying. Too tired probably. So they started to stitch the wound up. Ooooh and how I again playing the hero role right, bravely stayed and watched the whole procedure!!! A few times I felt nauseous  and almost passed out. Really! But Alya kept on glancing my way, for some moral support for sure, so I tried to soothe her with smiles and encouraging words. To her if this world suddenly become completely dark, but if mama was there, she will be fine. I know that for a fact. And she is such a brave baby too. The whole time they were sewing her up, not a single tears!!! My heart glows for her...

She stepped down from the treatment bed, and instantly I received that warm soft familiar baby's hug.

So u see... already 3 kids, but I still don't have a clue of how to be a mom. I take it as it comes. I handle it as it happens. No plans. No strategies. And those books telling you how to be a good excellent mom? I know they are really good reads, but i don't think i can rely on those to guide me through this life long responsibility that was blessed upon me.

I am not the best mom. Hey I probably am not a good mom even. But I know I am trying my best beyond my ways to be a mom for them. No matter what kind of critisism I am getting from left right and centre, no matter if I myself not sure I am doing it right, I know I am doing it MY BEST.

Those random kisses I am always getting from them proved it alright.


A huge word for me. Gigantic. I wonder if I could ever fit in it.