Wednesday, June 17, 2009

So I translated...

A non-Malay friend insisted that I should translate the poem I wrote for my girls quite sometime ago (entry titled "So I replied"). Dunno if it will sound as good in English though...

So here goes..


My children
The light in my eyes
My heart
My ease of sorrow

My children
My breath
My soul
My heartbeat

My children
Your every thoughts
Your every longings
Your every prayers
Gift of courage for me

Monday, June 15, 2009


I feel like kicking my colleague's ass today. Or rather his head. He went on and on about women and their manipulative complicated ways. Yes as if I can't say the same about men.

I snapped. I gestured a very bad sign to his face and tell him to (beep)-off. I was not thinking at all and words coming out from me like bullets from machine-gun. I told him (if he think trying to look hot is just one of the evil ways for women to provoke men, then) he should come to the office in his (beep)-ing pajamas. I said if he can say 1000 negative things about women, I can say the same about men.

He snapped also. He raised his voice. He asked me why am I so upset. I anticipated his next sentence would be "is it because you cannot take the truth?" But before he could utter anymore provocations, I retorted with a question "why do you have to bring this up again & again?" I told him to stop it because "NO ONE LIKES IT INCLUDING YOURSELF".

See, he's not the first man who spoke of women regarding MARS VS VENUS matters. But he's doing it in a much provoking way. As if he was asking for someone to argue back. Maybe no one dare to argue before, and he's probably enjoying this. He said he's just sharing his point of views. But yea a little diplomacy wouldn't hurt. He needs to get it into his head that this will be a never ending argument. No one will win - if winning is what he's craving for.

I have to say I would love to talk about the bad things about men during my every pass time. To every detail. As deep as possible. To the very core. But why do I have to do that? The more I talk about men and their lack of perfection the more it would smack me back in the face. I mean we need each other don't we? Why can't we just focus on the positive side of the opposite sex?

There's a Chinese proverb saying "if you are pointing one finger to another, there's three other fingers pointing back at you".

And so vice-versa.

Well the next time he want to do it again he might want to check if I am in audible range, for it was a very ugly situation we had momentarily ago - which even I can't stand it myself. I don't think anyone else could too.

Must remind myself not to snap anymore... hate the "aftertaste" :(

Thursday, June 11, 2009

an extension to a Great Read

I was reading for the hundredth time, one of my favorite article in my bff's blog titled "beauty with brain?"... And I smiled & laughed the same way every time. I was enjoying her ways of sharp wit, subtle sarcasm & her ironic "a-matter-of-fact-ly" point of view. Somehow it reflects on me, on both of us, and maybe the majority of us too.

This is to concur her point of view.

However this has got nothing to do with having a brain at all...

A few moons ago I get to know a very pretty, sexy, well educated bright girl in her early twenties. Sadly that is all of her good traits. The rest of her is rude, nasty, mean, lazy, spend-thrift, and most of all SELFISH. With a big dash of DIVA attitude.

But yet... she is larger than life POPULAR. I am telling you most of the guys I know WANT her.

Ok I have to admit I am wrong about the lazy part... She actually worked extremely hard on her 'HOT METER'.. Why, even going to the measly grocery store downstairs she need to be in full make-up... This girl would spend a king's ransom just to look glamorous. Hair, pedicure, manicure, spa, gym, slimming products, lingerie, perfumes, clothes, shoes, cosmetics, jeweleries, accessories... you name it. The way she's spending on clothes - uufff I bet you if she started wearing that first dress in her wardrobe in the beginning of the year, and wear different clothes everyday for the rest of the year, she would only come back to the first dress probably by the beginning of next year!!

My bff definitely hits bull's-eye on the HOT METER fact. It needs to be at BOILING point. The "visual creatures" that we hate to love just need to get a whiff of it and bam! you nailed them.

So.. not only that you don't need a brain, goodness-gracious you can be a BITCH too!!

Good luck on the hunting spree...

Monday, February 23, 2009

Such a RIOT!

Last night I spoke with a darling friend on the phone. And that magical question popped out again. No no not 'will u marry me?'. There's NO WAY he's gonna ask me that!! 1- He's too young for me and hell no I'm not turning into a pedofile. 2 - He's not into girls. (Sighhhh... what a waste to womenkind)

His question was (read it with a shocking-amused-disbelief tone) ' u don't drive?'

Oooooooh sheer pressure... Ok let me just say this once and forever hold my peace.

(and 'LOUSY' is not even enough to justify it)

Some might say naaaaah you can't be that lousy. Well I do somewhat look very smart in appearence I'm proud to say, BUT, when it comes to handle the driving machine, sadly I am a huge mess.

Hey I did take driving lessons, all the way to the driving test, which I failed miserably. Let me rephrase that, it was TRAUMATICALLY MISERABLY. No no no i didn't kill anyone during the test... Thank God it didn't end up like that, but it was really-really-really stupid you can't believe it.

First test I took was the 'on the road' test. I was assessed by this old guy, one of the JPJ officer. He was nice, chatting away as we started. Which calmed me down a lot actually. So off we went.

I was ok at first, everything's in place, looking pretty, full make-up, nice proper (but still sexy) outfit.... You bet it's important! You see, if by any chance the accessing officers fancied me, they can let me pass the tests much easier. HAH that's what I thought!

We were on the road, and I was about to overtake the car infront of me. Already I saw a lot of 'x's on my test sheet... But still the test is not over so there's still hope to impress him with some show of confidence & skills... So as I was turning the steering wheels, the officer said, "don't forget to look if there's any cars behind u, miss". And guessed what I did? Yes folks... I turned my head, and looked over my shoulder. The calm & composed officer almost screamed! And he quickly grabbed the wheels. Oooohhhh what an IDIOT I was!!! He then stopped chatting... now that he realised being a chatty person might endangered his life & so I drove us back to the driving institution in total silence.

When we reached there, my parking test was already awaiting, so the 'on the road' officer handed the test sheet to me and with one big red cross on the page. Ok fine... 2 more tests to go - parking & uphill.

When my name was called to the parking test, the 'test car' was parked randomly at the parking area. The officer was so kind enough to explain that I should reverse the car first before we begin the test. So.. I got into the car. Side mirror checked, rear mirror checked, seat adjusted, seat belt fastened. I turned the key, clutch checked, brakes checked, put the gear into reverse and press my foot onto the gass. The car didn't move. I pressed more... there's more sound but still the car didn't move. Hmmm don't panic don't panic - I told myself...

The officer was watching with the test sheet in his hand. Vroom-vrooomm the engine roared.. still the car was staying put. Yep this car needs to visit the workshop - I thought. So I waved gracefully to the watchful officer, and yelled (imagine Paris-Nicole scenes) 'there's something wrong, I think this car is broken'.... He walked over, peered his head through window, and extended his hand towards the hand brake and pushed it down.... Uffffffffffffffffffffffff!!!! Just one look from him and I know I will get the big red cross mark again. I just grinned and took it like a real chic... Mann...

I went home that day with a huge TRAUMA embedded in my brain.

I don't think I want to go through that anymore. Leave me alone :D

Sunday, February 22, 2009

That candle light kinda love

22nd Feb was my Abah's birthday. If he is still around, he will be 72 this year. And Mak's birthday is coming in 3 days time, on the 25th Feb. They were so close to each other even their birthdays just 3 days apart. Maybe match-made in heaven.

I'd love to reminisce how they were with each other, as how I saw it for the first 25 years of my life...

Abah & Mak was never the affectionate type, well not openly, I saw him once or twice peck her on the cheek when I was very small, and I became so noticeably jealous and remembered they will together laughed about it.

Their love for each other shown in different language. For instance she would warned us not to bug or ask anything from him when he came back from work... the warning was so strongly put that we obeyed it religiously. We will eat our meals first, because usually he would be home after dinner time, but before we ate, she would scoop a portion first and put it neatly aside especially for him. As he reached home, even though she already ate, she would sit in front of him throughout his meal. Entertaining him with small talks, even jokes. Perfect meal every time, how the table was set, food to his taste. Everyday without fail. I don't remember hearing him complaining. He was her KING.

She passed away when I was 25. And he was very sick at the time, his kidney failed 6 months before. The day she left us I cried hysterically. I couldn't stop crying for the whole week. But Abah, he was cool. Didn't shed single tear. In my midst of grief I thought, hmm... he's a cold one.

Some of y'all may not know, that whenever there's death in the house, we Malay people won't be doing any cooking, at least for a few days. Meals will be given to us by our neighbours, or even we get take-outs. I am not sure if this is by religion or tradition, but I followed it anyway. By the 4th day after her demise, I made us lunch. It was some kind of a whole-fish dish.

He was staring at the food... And said...

"the most thing that I would remember of your Mak was the way she served my every meal. You know, this fish, she would always separate the bones and pile it into my plate while I am eating..."

And he burst out crying. We spent the whole lunch time that afternoon crying at the dining table... and oh how I regretted thinking of him as cold before when actually the sadness that you couldn't ever imagine was eating him from inside.

Yes, she was ultimately his PERFECT WIFE.

He followed her about 6 months after. Somehow I knew in my heart he couldn't go on without her. Sadly I was expecting it.

Happy Birthday Mak & Abah, Al-Fatihah and prayers to you both.

Monday, February 9, 2009

i did a nasty...

Last weekend a friend sms me. Well he thought he's my friend. I have already got him DELETED. He said he's on his way to my place with his girlfriend. Like I give a shit. I didn't reply. Ten minutes later he was ringing my doorbell. Can you believe the nerve? It went on ringing for another 10-15 minutes. Followed by a few more sms and a few more -automatically-rejected- phone calls.

I kept quiet. Like a mouse. In my own home.

Now any of you out there who knows me, ever been treated this same way? If you had, please, do identify yourself.

I'm sure most of you who know me well would be shocked that I would do something THIS nasty to another person. Most of you would never expect me to be THIS mean. Yes y'all, it will take a lot for me to act the way I did. A LOT.

I can begin my story from a year ago, but hey I won't drag it back for too long. Let's just recall at a couple months back.

He was whining that he missed home cooked food. I told him -well, since I am moving close to his place why don't he just have dinner at my place any time he wishes ... my maid would not mind cooking a little bit extra... Gladly he said ok, and even eager to come every night! But, he never showed up. He would ask though, if we are preparing dinner or not, but he never ONCE showed up. A good friend as I am always, I considered maybe he's to tired to walk or drive his fancy sports car to my place after a long day at work. So once or twice, I would drop by his place & drop the food. Sometimes I would call him to remind him there's extra food, but he never replied back. If he replied he would sound annoyed. Stupid me never learn. Stupid me always wanted to be nice. Khalas I gave up accommodating the whiny kid.

Then another time he asked me out. For coffee. He said he missed me. We should catch up. He said he would pick me up in 40 minutes. So I showered, got ready, and an hour passed. Ok maybe he got caught up in something so I let another hour passed and I sms him. HE - NEVER - REPLIED. Not even a measly apology. Not even the next day. Khalas I promised myself never-ever-ever again that he would make me wait.

Soon after we were both invited to a mutual friend's house. So what did I do? I said hi with a smile and we hugged and he asked if I was mad at him for some reason. What... he's stupid? Amnesia? Had a blackout? Short-term memory lost? However I thought what the heck, I have known the guy since college!  So I forgave him and told him that it didn't matter, it's in the past. Again stupid me giving him another bizzilionth chance that he doesn't deserve.

Not long after, he said he'd bring me to a fishing night out. Wow I got excited. Forgotten about the shit that he'd always done to me. I got ready.. put on my warm clothes, gloves, winter cap, and waited. He didn't show up, neither call, nor sms. At this point I didn't even bother to sms him.

He can go ahead and drop dead.

But ooooohhhh he called again. Asked me out for coffee. We went eventually, although he was late, I never expected much of him anyway so I choose to look past it. Then after a long chatty evening he eagerly suggested we should attend a Starbucks launching the next day after work. And yea... stupid-never-learnt-me never learnt my lessons. (LESSONSSSSS.. That's PLURAL!!!) And as y'all smart people might have guessed .. he stood me up again, with no calls, no sms, and no f**king apology.

Alas... he asked me if his girlfriend could bunk at my place for the weekend. Sweet.

"Sure... re-confirm ok?" was my last words to him.

So y'all... still think I am a mean bitch?

(I won't ask y'all if y'all think that I am STUPID... we established that already... still kicking myself on the butt-cheek over it... :P)

that thing called 'friends'

My mother scolded me once a many times that I was 'too giving' towards my friends. 'With your friends, as if you are going to lick them' were her words, clearly she's annoyed. I hated it so much. As I saw it at the time, why not be kind? Why not be nice ? What's wrong if I so wanted to please them? What's wrong being a truly good friend? Clearly she meant to say DON'T. That was when I was below 10 yrs of age. I will be 39 next month, I guess at this age I should be wise enough, and lately these words coming back to me so clearly... Suddenly they're starting to make a lot of senses... She just didn't want me to get hurt.

I was not that stupid to understand it, but I merely chose to ignore it all this while. Now after times & times & times again getting stabbed & kicked & punched from all sides till I was left bleeding, bruised, black and blue, now I chose to open my eyes to see it. Only NOW.

I know to those who I called friends, I am a true friend to them. Well they kept me a long time. Maz & I, we've been friends for 35 years. Noe & I, we been enjoying each other's company more than 20 years. Noli, Fad, Liza & I are in love for 20 years now. Daniel, well he's 'young' but already in my life for 8 wonderful & learning years... 8 years could be a lifetime for some people, but to me, it's a still very fresh & budding friendship.

You might ask.. only these people?

Yes, the ones I truly claimed true friends of mine. Yes we hurt each other once in a while, but we treasured each other so much that we kissed & patched the wound quickly. Sealed the dark moments and take the good to cover the bad. Tears shared. Ofcourse laughters more. I am in their hearts as they are in mine. And I thought my mother's statements were not exactly true.

Now that I moved my life to another country, I never felt lonelier. It's not that I can't make new acquaintances, this actually comes easy to me. Too easy sometimes. People usually get attached to me very quickly. In an instant even. But to achieve the deep meaning of friendship, so far it's looking rather bleak. Some read my kindness as annoyance. Some used it to their advantages. Some think I am too kind that - am I for real?? (I am not too kind, honestly I am just being a HUMAN). Some even think I was plotting an evil agenda. I met a lot of whom I naively thought really nice people, being my true self around them, but I ended up bruised again. Yes, my mother was right allllllll the time.

Maybe people nowadays are not how they are used to be... maybe everybody now is only for themselves. I am at the point where I became so concious about talking to people, smile, even to make eye contacts. I should stay away. I should be allert of those invisible electric fences that people built around them. Unconciously I am myself building a wall and the wall is getting thicker.

I really dislike the person that I am becoming.

Whoa boy I really need a "friend fix". But where to get it?