I found it. Finally i got something to write today.
This is about my struggle to find my SELF ESTEEM.
I must tell uols being brought up as a Malay, i was somewhat a very shy girl. (I still am a very shy girl - naaahh). I guessed we Malays always have these qualities in us. Polite, humble, reserved, introvert and shy, in all sorts of different ratios. Well not all Malays, but yea the typical Malays. At least the ones born during my time.
So being a shy girl, i always held myself back from doing whatever i really wanted to do. Inside i am a very outspoken, loud and a hyper girl. I was quite miserable actually i must say, for if in some occassions i leapt or squelled, somebody would just shhhhh me.
Then it became more complicated for me as i became a teenager. Everything was becoming more awkward. And i was sent to a boarding school. And let me tell uols the strict rules there made it worse for me. I want to jump and scream and sing and be silly... but noooo that's not the proper way.... There were always be teachers or wardens or seniors who would glare. Even my dormates & classmates! And i tell uols the boys..... they were mean!!! They would picked on what you were wearing, would always made you feel that you were not decent enough... ughhhh!!! And secretly i had established that school years was the worst episode of my life.
There's another thing about me as an awkward teenager.
They were UGLY! I mean they were all over the place!!! I have an extra tooth in the middle, and k-9s stickin out everywhere, all were crooked and not alligned.... oooh how i felt so un-attractive!! Imagine i was laughing & smiling with a hand upon my mouth all the time!
And so one time i made the silliest move. I told a friend i had a crush on one of the boys. And this friend (nooooot anymore) told another friend, who told another friend, and soon it reached THE BOY. The lively me was excited actually and my heart gave a little leap, but the (had to be) shy & (had to be) reserved me was sooooo embarassed!!!!!!!! Conflicts huh?
That was not enough.
THE BOY who i hoped to love and be loved by was pissed instead. He was annoyed that the girl who were having a crush on him was little me with the ugly teeth. Not that he ever said it directly, but there's one time he dedicated an Eid card to the girls in my class (there were only 9 of us) and left a comment about each of us, and ofcourse ( i still remember his exact words) he said something offensive about my smile. He said i smile like a stinky cockle... (".....tersengih macam kerang busuk..... Told uols the boys were MEAN). I know it wasn't actually offending the ugly teeth, BUT, i was a confused awkward teenager at the time and very very very sensitive about comments concerning 'smile'... 'teeth'... 'mouth'........... Quickly i went back hiding into my little nook. And sadly i walked to the class everyday with my head held down.
...Must be the teeth! What else could it be?.... I always feel that i am a very plain girl, but with those bad teeth, hey i was actually an ugly girl!! Sad huh? Yea i was sad for 5 miserable years.
Soon i left school, went to college, met my first love there (he'll be on the next blog... ok watch out...), who convinced me that i am the prettiest girl in college, however i was secretly convinced that it was actually the boobs factor... and soon the ugly teeth was not an issue anymore. After 3 years together we broke up, i was crushed, sad and angry. Again the teeth was there to be blamed. Silly me never thought that i am pretty enough for handsome him (and he got really really pretty teeth!!!!! Beautiful smile.... Nice lips... Errrr... eheh.. let's not go there..) Even one of his sisters was makin fun of the teeth once. (What a bitch)... After i graduated from college i quickly secured a job, made a point to gather some money especially to get my pearly whites braced & fixed. The braces was a tough and challenging 18 months period.
But my oh my how my life changed after that. I laughed more, i smiled all the time, i naturally felt i stood out in a crowd, i became heart of the party, i dared to ask guys out on dates, i walked with my chin up, and i was finally enjoying my feminine sexuality!!! I became my very true sanguine self!!! And even though in my society people still 'glaring', i didn't see them anymore. They ceased to exist. My confidence level was soaring high! I feel i can talk to just anyone & can do almost anything! (Yea yea yea there's the boobs factor too...)
I finally found my SELF ESTEEM. By fixing my ugly teeth.
A lot of my close friends felt the same way as uols do...
They don't get it....!