Friday, August 28, 2015

Home - part 2

I was watching 'The Joyluck Club' movie actually trying to force out some tears. Been a sad month and just need to let out really. And usually at least one of the many sad scenes would teared me up quite easily.

Waiting.. and waiting... one sad scene to the next. No welled up feelings. No tears.

I thought ah well. I'd probably became too used of watching this movie it couldn't do anything to me anymore.

But I finished watching it anyway.

Just when the movie is coming to and end, where there's this least sad scene when this lady eventually met her 2 long lost big sisters.. when it came to that part of the family hugging.. I started to well up and cry.

They found home in each other. That touched me. And that is my real problem. I am not at home anywhere, metaphorically, ofcourse.

I then thought of going to Malaysia next year for eid. But who would I celebrate eid with? Not my ex... Although I know he would not mind... It would still be too awkward.

Then I thought of the 'almost-a-relationship' that I just had to let go. I'd probably finally at home somewhere to celebrate eid next year should I had not let go. But wait... Would I be happy forcing myself into something that would make me wrinkle my forehead with worries, just for the sake having some company? Ofcourse I should not. Hence that decision was a right one.

Was I sad letting go?

That's why I watched that movie.

Questions and answers. But there's no definite conclusion. Not yet.

Uff need to get out of this loop I am in.