that thing called 'friends'

My mother scolded me once a many times that I was 'too giving' towards my friends. 'With your friends, as if you are going to lick them' were her words, clearly she's annoyed. I hated it so much. As I saw it at the time, why not be kind? Why not be nice ? What's wrong if I so wanted to please them? What's wrong being a truly good friend? Clearly she meant to say DON'T. That was when I was below 10 yrs of age. I will be 39 next month, I guess at this age I should be wise enough, and lately these words coming back to me so clearly... Suddenly they're starting to make a lot of senses... She just didn't want me to get hurt.

I was not that stupid to understand it, but I merely chose to ignore it all this while. Now after times & times & times again getting stabbed & kicked & punched from all sides till I was left bleeding, bruised, black and blue, now I chose to open my eyes to see it. Only NOW.

I know to those who I called friends, I am a true friend to them. Well they kept me a long time. Maz & I, we've been friends for 35 years. Noe & I, we been enjoying each other's company more than 20 years. Noli, Fad, Liza & I are in love for 20 years now. Daniel, well he's 'young' but already in my life for 8 wonderful & learning years... 8 years could be a lifetime for some people, but to me, it's a still very fresh & budding friendship.

You might ask.. only these people?

Yes, the ones I truly claimed true friends of mine. Yes we hurt each other once in a while, but we treasured each other so much that we kissed & patched the wound quickly. Sealed the dark moments and take the good to cover the bad. Tears shared. Ofcourse laughters more. I am in their hearts as they are in mine. And I thought my mother's statements were not exactly true.

Now that I moved my life to another country, I never felt lonelier. It's not that I can't make new acquaintances, this actually comes easy to me. Too easy sometimes. People usually get attached to me very quickly. In an instant even. But to achieve the deep meaning of friendship, so far it's looking rather bleak. Some read my kindness as annoyance. Some used it to their advantages. Some think I am too kind that - am I for real?? (I am not too kind, honestly I am just being a HUMAN). Some even think I was plotting an evil agenda. I met a lot of whom I naively thought really nice people, being my true self around them, but I ended up bruised again. Yes, my mother was right allllllll the time.

Maybe people nowadays are not how they are used to be... maybe everybody now is only for themselves. I am at the point where I became so concious about talking to people, smile, even to make eye contacts. I should stay away. I should be allert of those invisible electric fences that people built around them. Unconciously I am myself building a wall and the wall is getting thicker.

I really dislike the person that I am becoming.

Whoa boy I really need a "friend fix". But where to get it?