I was watching 'The Joyluck Club' movie actually trying to force out some tears. Been a sad month and just need to let out really. And usually at least one of the many sad scenes would teared me up quite easily.
Waiting.. and waiting... one sad scene to the next. No welled up feelings. No tears.
I thought ah well. I'd probably became too used of watching this movie it couldn't do anything to me anymore.
But I finished watching it anyway.
Just when the movie is coming to and end, where there's this least sad scene when this lady eventually met her 2 long lost big sisters.. when it came to that part of the family hugging.. I started to well up and cry.
They found home in each other. That touched me. And that is my real problem. I am not at home anywhere, metaphorically, ofcourse.
I then thought of going to Malaysia next year for eid. But who would I celebrate eid with? Not my ex... Although I know he would not mind... It would still be too awkward.
Then I thought of the 'almost-a-relationship' that I just had to let go. I'd probably finally at home somewhere to celebrate eid next year should I had not let go. But wait... Would I be happy forcing myself into something that would make me wrinkle my forehead with worries, just for the sake having some company? Ofcourse I should not. Hence that decision was a right one.
Was I sad letting go?
That's why I watched that movie.
Questions and answers. But there's no definite conclusion. Not yet.
Uff need to get out of this loop I am in.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
HOME
I know I am not there.
Since Mak & Abah gone, I don't feel at home anywhere.
Not KL. Not Rawang. Definitely not Dubai.
I don't even know if it will be Langkawi - though I am making plans.
Heat of summer is increasing. Ramadan will be here soon. And of course Eid.
And now is the time of the year when that miserable thought of 'where do I go' came rushing in.
My girls? They are at home alright. I am their 'home' (maybe their 'sun & moon' too). At least there's something magical there still.(a smile and Alhamdulillah)
It is true that HOME IS WHERE YOUR HEART IS.
I guess my heart is not anywhere then. Sigh.
Since Mak & Abah gone, I don't feel at home anywhere.
Not KL. Not Rawang. Definitely not Dubai.
I don't even know if it will be Langkawi - though I am making plans.
Heat of summer is increasing. Ramadan will be here soon. And of course Eid.
And now is the time of the year when that miserable thought of 'where do I go' came rushing in.
My girls? They are at home alright. I am their 'home' (maybe their 'sun & moon' too). At least there's something magical there still.(a smile and Alhamdulillah)
It is true that HOME IS WHERE YOUR HEART IS.
I guess my heart is not anywhere then. Sigh.
Friday, May 11, 2012
rewards
I woke up at 5am this morning as usual... thinking hard of what to make for breakfast and the girls' lunch-pack. And the trip to Abu Dhabi. And the crappy site office. And the vicious heat of summer. And the meeting at Karama that I have to attend after work. And the shop drawings I have to mark. And the still unfinished drawings that's nearing deadline. And the sketches I have to do that I have to send to the draughtsman. Oooh the list went on & on!
Then Marsya emerged from the room, already dressed in her school uniform. She began to clean the last night's dishes, as she does every morning. Alya woke up shortly after, and asked if she could have scramble eggs for the lunch pack. Of course - I told her, and start to look for the milk in the fridge. (I usually add a bit of milk to the eggs - it tastes nicer that way). We were out of milk - great.
Not a reason at all to get upset, but I did... adding up to the list of worries I had earlier. NOT gonna be a good morning - I thought.
Then Marsya started cleaning the lunch-boxes. Alya's one was still full of yesterday's pasta. I questioned the sleepy girl why didn't she eat the pasta, and she told me one of her friends shared his food with her. ANOTHER reason not to get upset - but I was fuming. I yelled at her telling the 8 years old how tired I was preparing food that she never ate. She shed some little tears... and went to her room obediently to get ready for school.
Then for some reason my eyes went focused to the dusty breakfast counter. I told Marsya to wipe it off. She did it, ofcourse not perfectly, but of course AGAIN not a reason to get upset but I, almost yelling - told her to clean it properly and don't try to make me scream. She spent 10 minutes wiping the counter shiny, and I don't know why I was so annoyed by that, I, almost yelling again, told her that she should not spend 'hours' on the counter alone.
The girls were quiet on the breakfast table, and I went to get ready. As I was rushing out the door, Alya showed me 'the crescent moon' she made with the paratha on her plate. I kissed her on the head and told her how pretty it was.
That she said the sweetest thing ....
"Mama, you know the green tea-bag tag, it's written there - 'after work, take a bubble bath so you will feel relaxed'..."
A tip for me ya'ani.
Unlike my ex-husband or my ex-boyfriends - she UNDERSTANDS.
Later I reached Abu Dhabi and realized I didn't leave the empty drinking water bottle outside for the water delivery guy. Argh so there would be no drinking water for us for whole the next week - I thought. It's not the end of the world, 1 week of tap water won't do any harm but I was so annoyed with myself & getting super upset. Fuming fuming fuming. And work stress was not helping either.
Come late afternoon I called home to check on the girls, and Marsya picked up the phone and told me she used 10aed from the money I left them to pay for the water delivery. So there will be drinking water supply for us. What a clever, clever girl.
I under estimated her. She is a very mature, smart, independent and responsible young lady. Much more than me.
I am so blessed.
Do I deserve it? After all the yelling and breaking their innocent little hearts earlier... I don't think so.
This weekend, I will behave and be a good mama.
Then Marsya emerged from the room, already dressed in her school uniform. She began to clean the last night's dishes, as she does every morning. Alya woke up shortly after, and asked if she could have scramble eggs for the lunch pack. Of course - I told her, and start to look for the milk in the fridge. (I usually add a bit of milk to the eggs - it tastes nicer that way). We were out of milk - great.
Not a reason at all to get upset, but I did... adding up to the list of worries I had earlier. NOT gonna be a good morning - I thought.
Then Marsya started cleaning the lunch-boxes. Alya's one was still full of yesterday's pasta. I questioned the sleepy girl why didn't she eat the pasta, and she told me one of her friends shared his food with her. ANOTHER reason not to get upset - but I was fuming. I yelled at her telling the 8 years old how tired I was preparing food that she never ate. She shed some little tears... and went to her room obediently to get ready for school.
Then for some reason my eyes went focused to the dusty breakfast counter. I told Marsya to wipe it off. She did it, ofcourse not perfectly, but of course AGAIN not a reason to get upset but I, almost yelling - told her to clean it properly and don't try to make me scream. She spent 10 minutes wiping the counter shiny, and I don't know why I was so annoyed by that, I, almost yelling again, told her that she should not spend 'hours' on the counter alone.
The girls were quiet on the breakfast table, and I went to get ready. As I was rushing out the door, Alya showed me 'the crescent moon' she made with the paratha on her plate. I kissed her on the head and told her how pretty it was.
That she said the sweetest thing ....
"Mama, you know the green tea-bag tag, it's written there - 'after work, take a bubble bath so you will feel relaxed'..."
A tip for me ya'ani.
Unlike my ex-husband or my ex-boyfriends - she UNDERSTANDS.
Later I reached Abu Dhabi and realized I didn't leave the empty drinking water bottle outside for the water delivery guy. Argh so there would be no drinking water for us for whole the next week - I thought. It's not the end of the world, 1 week of tap water won't do any harm but I was so annoyed with myself & getting super upset. Fuming fuming fuming. And work stress was not helping either.
Come late afternoon I called home to check on the girls, and Marsya picked up the phone and told me she used 10aed from the money I left them to pay for the water delivery. So there will be drinking water supply for us. What a clever, clever girl.
I under estimated her. She is a very mature, smart, independent and responsible young lady. Much more than me.
I am so blessed.
Do I deserve it? After all the yelling and breaking their innocent little hearts earlier... I don't think so.
This weekend, I will behave and be a good mama.
Monday, October 17, 2011
words that heals
she : sometimes I just feel that what would happen if I just stop
she : stop fighting
she : stop living
she : just STOP
she : what will happen?
he : the world will miss out :)
she : that's nice but I dont care about the world
he : lol
she : :)
she : stop fighting
she : stop living
she : just STOP
she : what will happen?
he : the world will miss out :)
she : that's nice but I dont care about the world
he : lol
she : :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
A plate of Pulut, a bowl of Rendang.
Suddenly this morning I remembered Abah and one story that he told me long time ago. I think it's because of Othman's birthday today (well he is the Abah to my girls), so probably my mind is doing that 'synonym' thoughts.
Abah's story goes like this.
When he was very very small, about 5 or 6 years old, my grandpa sent him to learn to read Quran with one lady in his village. This lady was already middle aged & was never married, and she taught Quran to a few other children from that village as well.
From the very beginning, she was being so tough on him. The poor little guy always need to pronounced clearer, always have to read loudest, and always have to finish last.... as such. Only him. Not the other boys and girls. And he was to be seated separately from the rest of the children. He started to hate this lady. He thought she is picking on him for no apparent reason at all.
But being an obedient village boy who was taught to love his religion (God bless his soul), he never retaliated. Even at that very young age, he was very patient and swallowed it all.
Untill one day, the lady wanted to celebrate a religious day, wasn't sure if it was Ramadan, or Eid, or Maulid Al Rasul.... well one of those. So she prepared some very festive traditional food (pulut kuning, rendang and boiled eggs). Everyone was anxious to finish their Quran reading that day to enjoy the food right after. You see, where my Abah came from, those food was a rare luxury.
Time to eat, and the children gathered around the lady to get their share. My Abah was front in line but the lady just went passed him and was passing the food only to the other children. He started became impatient and start to gesture his hand towards the next passed plate, and the lady slapped his hand away and glared !!! He was dumbfounded, withdrew, went back to sit at his usual spot and started to cry.
After she done with the rest of the children, she called out his name, "Mohd Zain, come sit next to me". But his little heart was already broken, he was staring at the wall, crying and won't budge. He even attempted some little kick to the wall to show protest.
Then he heard her approaching him, and put something on the floor where he sat. Sounded heavy. When he turned, to his pleasant surprise, in front of him was tray with a big special arrangement of food for two... pulut, rendang, boiled eggs ... and looking so much grander than the rest. And there she was, with a sweet motherly smile.
Still with tears streaming down his cheeks, they ate the food together.
Abah was telling me the story with a little chuckle every now and then, thinking about how silly it was. But I was thinking of that middle-aged childless lady all the time .... and how big her love to my Abah ... although she had a funny way of showing it :)
God bless her soul. God bless them all.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
the real life, bonafide MAGIC
Last night my little Alya was unusually quiet... it was a very bad tooth ache. So I rushed her to the nearest dentist, and the very nice dentist (who treated her for free - which is so unusual in Dubai) told us that the last 2 baby molars is becoming loose and somehow it inflamed her gums - hence the pain. He gave her some anesthetic jab and told us to just wait till both teeth came off naturally.
She was happy again when we stepped out from the clinic, and ofcourse knowing her, now she's already the 'best-of-friends' with the dentist, she even suggested we should visit the nice dentist again :)
Anyways.... after midnight, she woke me up, couldn't sleep. The aenesthetic worn off and she was in a great deal of pain again. She lied down in my bed and I know that it's going to be a very long night...
I rubbed some ointment onto her cheek & massaged it lightly.. The pain wouldn't go. She tossed & turned & cried a little bit... I gave her paracetamoll syrup, still the pain is there. I actually told her "mama really don't know what else to do". She just closed her eyes and held my arms. I felt so helpless.
It was almost sunrise when I remembered a trick. It never failed before with Marsya & Dania. Well, Marsya & Dania never had one single tooth ache in their lives... but, if it worked on scratches & bruises, it better damn well work on the tooth ache.
So I told her softly "Mama will blow the pain away ok? After mama blow, the pain will be gone". She nodded.
And I blew some little prayers softly to her cheeks.
Swear to God ~ shortly after that she fell asleep.
It could be the paracetamol that's finally working, or the the constant rubbing on the cheek, or the medicated ointment, or she was just simply tired.
But maybe, just maybe, there's MAGIC in my healing tecnique, a mother's love, and a child's pure faith.
She was happy again when we stepped out from the clinic, and ofcourse knowing her, now she's already the 'best-of-friends' with the dentist, she even suggested we should visit the nice dentist again :)
Anyways.... after midnight, she woke me up, couldn't sleep. The aenesthetic worn off and she was in a great deal of pain again. She lied down in my bed and I know that it's going to be a very long night...
I rubbed some ointment onto her cheek & massaged it lightly.. The pain wouldn't go. She tossed & turned & cried a little bit... I gave her paracetamoll syrup, still the pain is there. I actually told her "mama really don't know what else to do". She just closed her eyes and held my arms. I felt so helpless.
It was almost sunrise when I remembered a trick. It never failed before with Marsya & Dania. Well, Marsya & Dania never had one single tooth ache in their lives... but, if it worked on scratches & bruises, it better damn well work on the tooth ache.
So I told her softly "Mama will blow the pain away ok? After mama blow, the pain will be gone". She nodded.
And I blew some little prayers softly to her cheeks.
Swear to God ~ shortly after that she fell asleep.
It could be the paracetamol that's finally working, or the the constant rubbing on the cheek, or the medicated ointment, or she was just simply tired.
But maybe, just maybe, there's MAGIC in my healing tecnique, a mother's love, and a child's pure faith.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Why, u think u better?
I was often caught in a situation whereby I am in a middle of 2 friends criticizing each other. And I'm telling u it's not fun at all. Usually I would just keep my face shut and be oblivious of whats happening. This act we call it - playing dumb. Or another word - bimbo. Better that way, otherwise the risk of getting asked to pick a side is greater. No smart-people-making-their-points want a bimbo on their side, they rather have all the smart people in their imaginary territory.
I prefer to escape the 'what do u think, Rod' question.U see, the way i see it, who are u really to criticized other people's ways or their lives. Because to them, your ways & your life is not ideal either. So stop with all this energy wasting argument and just accept that people just love the way they living their lives, and ONLY give your oh-so-precious opinions IF u're asked to. Yea yea yea you are criticizing out of your oh-so-good intentions, but c'mon... Who are we kidding here... You just want to feel smart, sah? I'm being too kind.. Let me re-phrase that. You want others to see you as a smart person - yes that's more like it. Hmph.
It's quite easy really. Relax. Just accept each other. If they failed or fell and cried, lend a shoulder. The way I see it, u benefit being a nicer compassionate person, and they benefit lessons from their mistakes. Isn't that better in a way?
I am living a simple life in my own little world and u are exactly doing the same. "Complicated" is when we start looking into others'...
I'd just realized I am criticizing too. P E A C E .
I prefer to escape the 'what do u think, Rod' question.U see, the way i see it, who are u really to criticized other people's ways or their lives. Because to them, your ways & your life is not ideal either. So stop with all this energy wasting argument and just accept that people just love the way they living their lives, and ONLY give your oh-so-precious opinions IF u're asked to. Yea yea yea you are criticizing out of your oh-so-good intentions, but c'mon... Who are we kidding here... You just want to feel smart, sah? I'm being too kind.. Let me re-phrase that. You want others to see you as a smart person - yes that's more like it. Hmph.
It's quite easy really. Relax. Just accept each other. If they failed or fell and cried, lend a shoulder. The way I see it, u benefit being a nicer compassionate person, and they benefit lessons from their mistakes. Isn't that better in a way?
I am living a simple life in my own little world and u are exactly doing the same. "Complicated" is when we start looking into others'...
I'd just realized I am criticizing too. P E A C E .
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I am back.. hope I stay :)
Wallahi I have been ignoring this blog more than a year. What happened to me?
I am still around. Still the emotional (but very cheeful) wreck. Ha ha. No I am never a wreck. I am the jolly person that you good people will always love. Love y'all too. Big hug.
So what have I been up too for the past one year and 2 months?
Can't tell y'all much really, I've not been my smart self. Had my foolish moments last year, loads of them. And when I am not being my smart self, I will not be inspired to write. Hence, the neglected blog. Sigh.
Anyways, we picked ourselves up and we recovered and we move on yea? And that's the only way to go I guess. No use looking back and regret. It's good to look back and learn though. How cliche. But it's the truth.
Ok enough of the philosophy. So what had happened last year? Hmm it was quite an adventure. How do you good people say it? Roller coaster ride? Yea something like that. I have been single again at a (supposed to be) very mature age. So I was back in the dating scene. I am suppose to be very wise rite? Nope... sorry to disappoint y'all. Eventually I had my heart broken a few times. No big deal (yea rite). We talking about feelings & emotions here so it was somewhat a big deal actually but I kept myself busy & distracted. Cried some but quickly laughed again. And I lost a few friends ... no they didn't die, I just think they are not worth to be friends with anymore - that's very dark and mean of me - I KNOW.... But I made new acquaintances as well.
Somewhere early last year I stalked a girl in facebook and we became close friends now. (Zy, I hope you are reading this). It took her a few weeks to respond to my message. She must've thought I am psycho-stalker or something. We met, and clicked. Then she started to introduce me to her circle of friends and I love every lovely people in the group. And how they love to eat!! So most of the weekends we would meet up for MAKAN TIME. The happiest & most satisfying moments of our lives :)
Uffff I can feel all the jeans shrinking now.
Yea I am in a big denial - yet again.
I am still around. Still the emotional (but very cheeful) wreck. Ha ha. No I am never a wreck. I am the jolly person that you good people will always love. Love y'all too. Big hug.
So what have I been up too for the past one year and 2 months?
Can't tell y'all much really, I've not been my smart self. Had my foolish moments last year, loads of them. And when I am not being my smart self, I will not be inspired to write. Hence, the neglected blog. Sigh.
Anyways, we picked ourselves up and we recovered and we move on yea? And that's the only way to go I guess. No use looking back and regret. It's good to look back and learn though. How cliche. But it's the truth.
Ok enough of the philosophy. So what had happened last year? Hmm it was quite an adventure. How do you good people say it? Roller coaster ride? Yea something like that. I have been single again at a (supposed to be) very mature age. So I was back in the dating scene. I am suppose to be very wise rite? Nope... sorry to disappoint y'all. Eventually I had my heart broken a few times. No big deal (yea rite). We talking about feelings & emotions here so it was somewhat a big deal actually but I kept myself busy & distracted. Cried some but quickly laughed again. And I lost a few friends ... no they didn't die, I just think they are not worth to be friends with anymore - that's very dark and mean of me - I KNOW.... But I made new acquaintances as well.
Somewhere early last year I stalked a girl in facebook and we became close friends now. (Zy, I hope you are reading this). It took her a few weeks to respond to my message. She must've thought I am psycho-stalker or something. We met, and clicked. Then she started to introduce me to her circle of friends and I love every lovely people in the group. And how they love to eat!! So most of the weekends we would meet up for MAKAN TIME. The happiest & most satisfying moments of our lives :)
Uffff I can feel all the jeans shrinking now.
Yea I am in a big denial - yet again.
Friday, January 8, 2010
My Wish
Been a while since my last entry.. well life been hectic for me as I am opening a new chapter in my life ... Now that I am officially single again...
To tell you the truth, it doesn't feel at all different from the previous one year and a half, of course it's just a matter of putting it all written & signed. However I do feel somewhat relieved, I am sure he feels the same way too and I am very happy for him. We really parted as good friends... I will still care for him for the rest of our lives that's for sure.
I will not lie about feeling sad about it... it's flesh & blood inside yea, not stone... The night we had the deed done, I had a horrible nightmare where I was in a very dark place, squatting on the floor and sobbing... and that was all the dream was. I woke up the next morning with a little pain in my chest, the proof that I actually cried in my sleep.
Most of my close ones know that I seldom cry, I find it hard to, I mean it will take a whole lot to make me, so I guessed all the pent-up sadness was unconsciously released while I was sleeping.
At this very transition moments, I thought of one of my favourite song from The Rascal Flatts, it just talked to me as I how wanted to talk to all of you that I love... and that I had left behind.
My Wish
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
To tell you the truth, it doesn't feel at all different from the previous one year and a half, of course it's just a matter of putting it all written & signed. However I do feel somewhat relieved, I am sure he feels the same way too and I am very happy for him. We really parted as good friends... I will still care for him for the rest of our lives that's for sure.
I will not lie about feeling sad about it... it's flesh & blood inside yea, not stone... The night we had the deed done, I had a horrible nightmare where I was in a very dark place, squatting on the floor and sobbing... and that was all the dream was. I woke up the next morning with a little pain in my chest, the proof that I actually cried in my sleep.
Most of my close ones know that I seldom cry, I find it hard to, I mean it will take a whole lot to make me, so I guessed all the pent-up sadness was unconsciously released while I was sleeping.
At this very transition moments, I thought of one of my favourite song from The Rascal Flatts, it just talked to me as I how wanted to talk to all of you that I love... and that I had left behind.
My Wish
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walking till you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile...
But more than anything...
More than anything...
My wish for you
Is that life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big
Your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out getting where you're getting to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And want the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish...
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you in the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh you find God's grace in every mistake
And you always give more then you take
Oh more than anything...
Yeah and more than anything............
To all whom I love, pray I stay strong.
You know who u are...
To all whom I love, pray I stay strong.
You know who u are...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
So I translated...
A non-Malay friend insisted that I should translate the poem I wrote for my girls quite sometime ago (entry titled "So I replied"). Dunno if it will sound as good in English though...
So here goes..
MY LIFE
My children
The light in my eyes
My heart
My ease of sorrow
My children
My breath
My soul
My heartbeat
My children
Your every thoughts
Your every longings
Your every prayers
Gift of courage for me
So here goes..
MY LIFE
My children
The light in my eyes
My heart
My ease of sorrow
My children
My breath
My soul
My heartbeat
My children
Your every thoughts
Your every longings
Your every prayers
Gift of courage for me
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