i did a nasty...

Last weekend a friend sms me. Well he thought he's my friend. I have already got him DELETED. He said he's on his way to my place with his girlfriend. Like I give a shit. I didn't reply. Ten minutes later he was ringing my doorbell. Can you believe the nerve? It went on ringing for another 10-15 minutes. Followed by a few more sms and a few more -automatically-rejected- phone calls.

I kept quiet. Like a mouse. In my own home.

Now any of you out there who knows me, ever been treated this same way? If you had, please, do identify yourself.

I'm sure most of you who know me well would be shocked that I would do something THIS nasty to another person. Most of you would never expect me to be THIS mean. Yes y'all, it will take a lot for me to act the way I did. A LOT.

I can begin my story from a year ago, but hey I won't drag it back for too long. Let's just recall at a couple months back.

He was whining that he missed home cooked food. I told him -well, since I am moving close to his place why don't he just have dinner at my place any time he wishes ... my maid would not mind cooking a little bit extra... Gladly he said ok, and even eager to come every night! But, he never showed up. He would ask though, if we are preparing dinner or not, but he never ONCE showed up. A good friend as I am always, I considered maybe he's to tired to walk or drive his fancy sports car to my place after a long day at work. So once or twice, I would drop by his place & drop the food. Sometimes I would call him to remind him there's extra food, but he never replied back. If he replied he would sound annoyed. Stupid me never learn. Stupid me always wanted to be nice. Khalas I gave up accommodating the whiny kid.

Then another time he asked me out. For coffee. He said he missed me. We should catch up. He said he would pick me up in 40 minutes. So I showered, got ready, and an hour passed. Ok maybe he got caught up in something so I let another hour passed and I sms him. HE - NEVER - REPLIED. Not even a measly apology. Not even the next day. Khalas I promised myself never-ever-ever again that he would make me wait.

Soon after we were both invited to a mutual friend's house. So what did I do? I said hi with a smile and we hugged and he asked if I was mad at him for some reason. What... he's stupid? Amnesia? Had a blackout? Short-term memory lost? However I thought what the heck, I have known the guy since college!  So I forgave him and told him that it didn't matter, it's in the past. Again stupid me giving him another bizzilionth chance that he doesn't deserve.

Not long after, he said he'd bring me to a fishing night out. Wow I got excited. Forgotten about the shit that he'd always done to me. I got ready.. put on my warm clothes, gloves, winter cap, and waited. He didn't show up, neither call, nor sms. At this point I didn't even bother to sms him.

He can go ahead and drop dead.

But ooooohhhh he called again. Asked me out for coffee. We went eventually, although he was late, I never expected much of him anyway so I choose to look past it. Then after a long chatty evening he eagerly suggested we should attend a Starbucks launching the next day after work. And yea... stupid-never-learnt-me never learnt my lessons. (LESSONSSSSS.. That's PLURAL!!!) And as y'all smart people might have guessed .. he stood me up again, with no calls, no sms, and no f**king apology.

Alas... he asked me if his girlfriend could bunk at my place for the weekend. Sweet.

"Sure... re-confirm ok?" was my last words to him.

So y'all... still think I am a mean bitch?

(I won't ask y'all if y'all think that I am STUPID... we established that already... still kicking myself on the butt-cheek over it... :P)

that thing called 'friends'

My mother scolded me once a many times that I was 'too giving' towards my friends. 'With your friends, as if you are going to lick them' were her words, clearly she's annoyed. I hated it so much. As I saw it at the time, why not be kind? Why not be nice ? What's wrong if I so wanted to please them? What's wrong being a truly good friend? Clearly she meant to say DON'T. That was when I was below 10 yrs of age. I will be 39 next month, I guess at this age I should be wise enough, and lately these words coming back to me so clearly... Suddenly they're starting to make a lot of senses... She just didn't want me to get hurt.

I was not that stupid to understand it, but I merely chose to ignore it all this while. Now after times & times & times again getting stabbed & kicked & punched from all sides till I was left bleeding, bruised, black and blue, now I chose to open my eyes to see it. Only NOW.

I know to those who I called friends, I am a true friend to them. Well they kept me a long time. Maz & I, we've been friends for 35 years. Noe & I, we been enjoying each other's company more than 20 years. Noli, Fad, Liza & I are in love for 20 years now. Daniel, well he's 'young' but already in my life for 8 wonderful & learning years... 8 years could be a lifetime for some people, but to me, it's a still very fresh & budding friendship.

You might ask.. only these people?

Yes, the ones I truly claimed true friends of mine. Yes we hurt each other once in a while, but we treasured each other so much that we kissed & patched the wound quickly. Sealed the dark moments and take the good to cover the bad. Tears shared. Ofcourse laughters more. I am in their hearts as they are in mine. And I thought my mother's statements were not exactly true.

Now that I moved my life to another country, I never felt lonelier. It's not that I can't make new acquaintances, this actually comes easy to me. Too easy sometimes. People usually get attached to me very quickly. In an instant even. But to achieve the deep meaning of friendship, so far it's looking rather bleak. Some read my kindness as annoyance. Some used it to their advantages. Some think I am too kind that - am I for real?? (I am not too kind, honestly I am just being a HUMAN). Some even think I was plotting an evil agenda. I met a lot of whom I naively thought really nice people, being my true self around them, but I ended up bruised again. Yes, my mother was right allllllll the time.

Maybe people nowadays are not how they are used to be... maybe everybody now is only for themselves. I am at the point where I became so concious about talking to people, smile, even to make eye contacts. I should stay away. I should be allert of those invisible electric fences that people built around them. Unconciously I am myself building a wall and the wall is getting thicker.

I really dislike the person that I am becoming.

Whoa boy I really need a "friend fix". But where to get it?

Ugur + Rodie + 2 Hours In The Gardens Traffic

We left the office 5.30 as usual, and headed straight to the Gardens, and he would drop me at the Ibn Batuta Mall so that i can get a cab easier. This has been going on for two months now. And we are more relaxed with our languages now to each other since it's just the two of us in the car (and by saying that, meaning all the vulgarities flying all over the car interior u have to fumigate the car after we got out!!) It was always fun and funny.

But today it was MIND BLOW-ING.
**don't get excited over the word in CAPS ok...it could be of bizzilions other meanings - wink**

We started to talk about TV shows - well - he started it by singing 'Smelly Cat' and we laughed like crazy. And we spoke of the scenes and characters that we love and hate from 'Friends'. The difference between the 3 guys & the 3 chics when they were talking about Ross+Rachel's first kiss. Then we moved on to Seinfield, we both love Kramer... then we start reminiscing the younger years when there was 'Cheers'. He mentioned he was in the 'Cheers' bar when he was in the USA a few years back, and i told him i love it so much i even memorised the theme song by heart. He asked me to sing it and spontaneously turned off the radio...

Makin a way in a world today takes everything u got
Takin a break from all your worries surely would helped a lot
Wouldn't u like to get away?
Sometimes u wanna go
Where everybody knows your name
And they always glad u came
U wanna be where u can see
That troubles are all the same
U wanna be where everybody knows your name
U wanna go where people know
That people are all the same
U wanna go where everybody knows your name....

We even sang the last verse together. Had a little Ugur-Rodie moment there (don't kill me y'all!!!)

Then we went back to 'Friends' and we agreed that no matter how many times we watched it we still laughed the same way. And he said the other one that he love to follow was 'Sex & The City'. Oh i said... i thought guys HATE S.A.T.C, laughingly he said yes, that's why he followed it!

And... that was the point where Ugur should change his career to become a public speaking GURU (one with a very SEXAY Turkish accent). I am telling y'all... that man has some phenomenal (that word again) theories!

He told me that the only reason he's following the S.A.T.C is because of 'Big'. according to him, 'Big' should be the role model of all men, on how to deal with the female spiecies. 'Big' is not ruled by anyone, 'Big' came & went as he wished and got Carrie wrapped around his finger, playing her on a string. 'Big' put his woman in the place WHERE THEY SHOULD BE. 'Big' might be in love... but he doesn't give a f***.

Ok maybe some of you never watched the S.A.T.C. Ok move on to his next theory.

To him, when a guy is thinking he is smarter than the female sitting across him, he could be the biggest idiot in the world. Yep... IDIOT was his very word. Why.. u might ask..

Because, if any men should've known better, the female spiecies are the BEST at playing dumb. If a guy thinks that he is smarter and winning, that means that the girl actually manipulate him to think that he is smarter and winning .... so that  he would be totally oblivious when she took 'the driver's seat' ... therefore as a matter of fact-ly, she's actually the winning one!

And according to Ugur, the smartest girl ever - is the girl who knows how to make her man thinks that he is with THE IDEA and THE DECISION... when in fact THE IDEA and THE DECISION are all HERS!!!

Next, he said a guy should carry a pint of blood in his pocket at all times. Because?

When a guy is having a hard on, all the blood in his body went rushing to 'there' (he was actually gesturing towards his 'there'!! i almost passed out!!!) So there will be none left to function the brain. And therefore the man is the most useless creature at this point. A total wreck to mankind. Whatever his actions during this time is all controlled by a woman. He is merely a puppet to be played and abused. So, should the guy carry around a pint of blood in his pocket all the time, he could have immediate blood transfusion. Hence while having a hard-on, there's still be sufficient blood supply for him to function the brain!!!!

Mannn I LOVE THIS GUY!!!!

Although i still think he's a CHAUVINIST PIG. Big time...

the philosopher

let me take a friend's smart ass quote and twist it around.

life is complicated as u make it.
life is a bloody drama as u make it.
life is a bitch as u make it.
life is worthless as u make it.

key word - u make it. your choice. your decision to jump. so don't blame the rest of the world that u tried and failed. blame yourself for choosing that path u took. take the downside of your own choice, your own make & your own decision like a MAN. face the consequences. have some f**king balls.

u choose to live a complicated life, hence failed, hey don't bitch about it. don't fret. don't bring the rest of the world down with u. stop bein a f**king whiner. shut-the-f**k-up.

simple huh ... simple my a**!!

How have I been doing?

Maybe it is time to update uols about my on-goings in Dubai.

As everyone knows, my girls already started school, in their second month now, and coping very well (thank God al-mighty) despite the major change. Yes there were a little bit struggling in language & communication with Dania but not so much for Marsya & Alya. And even so, Dania is starting to get popular amongst her classmates, effortlessly, like how she was when we were back home, language barrier or not.

As for me... all of u might think i would be driving myself insane right about now with the office, and the girls and school meetings and homeworks and errands and chores huh...?

As one of my dearest friends said & i quote "Life is as simple as you make it"... and i could never agree more.

All of u may not believe it that at least a couple of nights in a week i would take a couple of hours to chill, or shisha or supper or coffee with some close friends, or have a little window shopping by my self (in which ofcouse i never fail to shop for something pretty & silly), or even sweating at the gym! And so far I haven't missed helping the girls with their homeworks, and i haven't skipped any of the PTA meetings! Supermom huh? Not really.

SIMPLE AS U MAKE IT.

Yea ok, i have a maid, so all of the cooking and cleaning considered solved. And i noticed a lot of my friends with maids.... maaaan aren't they BUSY dictating the maids! Hovering over them like a hawk!! I mean they are much busier now then they were before they have the maids!

Girls please, the maids are there to help you ease the burden and the stress.... not to add them! And noooooo i don't need anymore stress in my life ... I want to stay young much longer!! Yes yes i had maids before who betrayed me and ran away with the uncle next door, so yea we meet shitty people every now and then, but i do believe a little kindness goes a long long way. So, i just briefed my maid only once, and more than a few times she would ask questions and how to do's, and i treat her kindly, in return she's appreciating it and she looks happy.... therefore so far the girls are so well fed, my home spick and span and voluntarily she would join my girls with artworks, paintings and games. Ofcourse I would join them too and have our many little laughs everytime.

That's a lot of stress lifted. And many wrinkles postponed!

Next, the girls went to bed at 9pm. Hey after 9pm i still can do a lot with myself till my bedtime! But yea i don't overdo it ofcourse, i was never a 'party-mom'. But i like to have my fun. I love a night out once in a while. Real conversation with some educated adults. Meet new interesting people.

And my weekends? I went out every weekend with the girls. Malls usually. Or a close friend's house. And once we went to see live band in Hard Rock Cafe (they wanted to go again!) And some of my dearest friends really didn't mind and even love having them over or join our weekends gatherings. One of my friend told me that 'ur kids can really hang-out with adults' ... She's really bias cos she adores them too much.... but then again my girls are very well behaved so i guess she's being true as well.

And to have a 4 year old girl u might think i have tons to carry yea... coz she actually still a baby...

I learnt to have an easy life. From the time Dania was born, never again i bring the whole household in a huge bag when i am travelling. It will be just a bottle of warm milk, a piece of diaper, a little towel and a pair of pants and blouse should she make a mess. All all these stuffed inside my trendy sling bag, or their fluffy rucksack. Now that Alya is four, these items becoming lesser & lesser! Hey there's public toilets, and there's supermarket everywhere that u can get fresh milk from, thank God for modern amenities!!!! So instead of stressing myself carrying my whole household and worrying and worrying, i usually travel light & easy, and most importantly have as much fun as possible! Isn't that the reason why you have a day out with your children???

Hey making it easy doesn't make u a lesser parent ok?

Told ya..

Remember the blue pet fish that i mentioned? And the little grave in the flower pot? And its little tombstone made of eraser?

Like some of you, i couldn't believe that my ex-colleagues still kept it there. Although the bamboo plant in the pot not looking as nice as before, the little grave still in place.

So there it is, for you to see.

Therefore i would like to thank all my ex-colleagues back in KL, for keeping the memories of US alive.

Love u too.

Why so MEAN???

Do you actually want people to dislike you?

Bitch about you?

Curse you?

Why do you have to be mean and bad when you actually know that you are being mean and bad?

Do you enjoy being a bitch?

Do you enjoy hurting people's feelings?

Do you love it when people despise you?

Do you feel big about it? Grand? Great?

Why are you creating unnecessary stress?

Why do you feel that you need to be difficult?

You feel you are loosing if you are not?

Isn't being patience and calm & collected & humble & sincere & kind is the nicest thing you could do to yourself?

Is that not the right track to be on?

Don't you know you that are big & winning by practicing these values?

Why do you want to bring yourself as low as the other angry person opposite you?

Do you love to look stupid?

Do you love to embarass yourself?

Whatever your response to my questions, you know actually the truth. Only you are not admitting it.

I beg you just let yourself think & ponder.

And maybe later you can be your better self...

MY UGLY TEETH

I found it. Finally i got something to write today.

This is about my struggle to find my SELF ESTEEM.

I must tell uols being brought up as a Malay, i was somewhat a very shy girl. (I still am a very shy girl - naaahh). I guessed we Malays always have these qualities in us. Polite, humble, reserved, introvert and shy, in all sorts of different ratios. Well not all Malays, but yea the typical Malays. At least the ones born during my time.

So being a shy girl, i always held myself back from doing whatever i really wanted to do. Inside i am a very outspoken, loud and a hyper girl. I was quite miserable actually i must say, for if in some occassions i leapt or squelled, somebody would just shhhhh me.

Then it became more complicated for me as i became a teenager. Everything was becoming more awkward. And i was sent to a boarding school. And let me tell uols the strict rules there made it worse for me. I want to jump and scream and sing and be silly... but noooo that's not the proper way.... There were always be teachers or wardens or seniors who would glare. Even my dormates & classmates! And i tell uols the boys..... they were mean!!! They would picked on what you were wearing, would always made you feel that you were not decent enough... ughhhh!!! And secretly i had established that school years was the worst episode of my life.

There's another thing about me as an awkward teenager.

My teeth.

They were UGLY! I mean they were all over the place!!! I have an extra tooth in the middle, and k-9s stickin out everywhere, all were crooked and not alligned.... oooh how i felt so un-attractive!! Imagine i was laughing & smiling with a hand upon my mouth all the time!

And so one time i made the silliest move. I told a friend i had a crush on one of the boys. And this friend (nooooot anymore) told another friend, who told another friend, and soon it reached THE BOY. The lively me was excited actually and my heart gave a little leap, but the (had to be) shy & (had to be) reserved me was sooooo embarassed!!!!!!!! Conflicts huh?

That was not enough.

THE BOY who i hoped to love and be loved by was pissed instead. He was annoyed that the girl who were having a crush on him was little me with the ugly teeth. Not that he ever said it directly, but there's one time he dedicated an Eid card to the girls in my class (there were only 9 of us) and left a comment about each of us, and ofcourse ( i still remember his exact words) he said something offensive about my smile. He said i smile like a stinky cockle... (".....tersengih macam kerang busuk..... Told uols the boys were MEAN). I know it wasn't actually offending the ugly teeth, BUT, i was a confused awkward teenager at the time and very very very sensitive about comments concerning 'smile'... 'teeth'... 'mouth'........... Quickly i went back hiding into my little nook. And sadly i walked to the class everyday with my head held down.

...Must be the teeth! What else could it be?.... I always feel that i am a very plain girl, but with those bad teeth, hey i was actually an ugly girl!! Sad huh? Yea i was sad for 5 miserable years.

Soon i left school, went to college, met my first love there (he'll be on the next blog... ok watch out...), who convinced me that i am the prettiest girl in college, however i was secretly convinced that it was actually the boobs factor... and soon the ugly teeth was not an issue anymore. After 3 years together we broke up, i was crushed, sad and angry. Again the teeth was there to be blamed. Silly me never thought that i am pretty enough for handsome him (and he got really really pretty teeth!!!!! Beautiful smile.... Nice lips... Errrr... eheh.. let's not go there..) Even one of his sisters was makin fun of the teeth once. (What a bitch)... After i graduated from college i quickly secured a job, made a point to gather some money especially to get my pearly whites braced & fixed. The braces was a tough and challenging 18 months period.

But my oh my how my life changed after that. I laughed more, i smiled all the time, i naturally felt i stood out in a crowd, i became heart of the party, i dared to ask guys out on dates, i walked with my chin up, and i was finally enjoying my feminine sexuality!!! I became my very true sanguine self!!! And even though in my society people still 'glaring', i didn't see them anymore. They ceased to exist. My confidence level was soaring high! I feel i can talk to just anyone & can do almost anything! (Yea yea yea there's the boobs factor too...)

I finally found my SELF ESTEEM. By fixing my ugly teeth.

A lot of my close friends felt the same way as uols do...

They don't get it....!

A Special Birthday Wish..

A guy who is very near & dear to me celebrated his (ahem)th birthday today.

He just moved to Bahrain, trying to look for himself, like i do... and ofcourse he got plenty of time to do that than some of older us... So i would like to wish him luck, health, and most of all HAPPINNESS.

Coz i bet my gorgeous a** that's exactly what all of us are looking for.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABES, miss u HEAPS!

Me @ Motherhood (Sigh...)

Last night the whole occupants of apartment 402 came into huge panic...

They came running down from the roof top pool only minutes after they left. I thought wow that was quick, but the pale face of my maid alerted me that something was wrong. "...Alya was jumping in the pool and knocked her chin on the pool's edge..." she said. I asked her how serious it was... She said it was bleeding and she dare not look at the wound. Ok, so I know I have got to have to check this one out. I went to her bedroom, she was crying and clutching her chin. Marsya & Dania stood frozen at their 'spots', also pale-faced. I was already panicking but being the 'man' of the house... Couldn't let them know that  I was almost having a black-out, could I?

I knelt down and took her hand away from her chin... My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach... There's an open wound looking like a little mouth at the underside of her chin. And my instant facial reaction set Marsya & Dania to tears.

My hands & feet starting to feel cold. But somehow I calmed down, so that I was able to use my brain. So firstly i called Othman, who was out for tarawikh. Next i called Buck, i need to know where's the nearest clinic... Not much help there, and I remembered Ugur. He gave me a precise direction on how to get there. Most of all of you had already known what a scatterbrained creature I am, but having to play the survivor game in Dubai, I learnt to remember directions and memorize a lot of stuff that I took a lot for granted before.

So we went to the clinic. I guessed panic was written all over my face that the doctor tried to calm me down a little bit. Numerously he repeated 'there's nothing to worry about'. At this point in time Alya already stopped crying. Too tired probably. So they started to stitch the wound up. Ooooh and how I again playing the hero role right, bravely stayed and watched the whole procedure!!! A few times I felt nauseous  and almost passed out. Really! But Alya kept on glancing my way, for some moral support for sure, so I tried to soothe her with smiles and encouraging words. To her if this world suddenly become completely dark, but if mama was there, she will be fine. I know that for a fact. And she is such a brave baby too. The whole time they were sewing her up, not a single tears!!! My heart glows for her...

She stepped down from the treatment bed, and instantly I received that warm soft familiar baby's hug.

So u see... already 3 kids, but I still don't have a clue of how to be a mom. I take it as it comes. I handle it as it happens. No plans. No strategies. And those books telling you how to be a good excellent mom? I know they are really good reads, but i don't think i can rely on those to guide me through this life long responsibility that was blessed upon me.

I am not the best mom. Hey I probably am not a good mom even. But I know I am trying my best beyond my ways to be a mom for them. No matter what kind of critisism I am getting from left right and centre, no matter if I myself not sure I am doing it right, I know I am doing it MY BEST.

Those random kisses I am always getting from them proved it alright.

Motherhood.

A huge word for me. Gigantic. I wonder if I could ever fit in it.